Our Identity and Calling (Part 1)

Written by Jane Song (Clinical Intern)

As someone who made a major career change from the business world to seminary, I have had to ask myself what exactly is my identity and calling? For many years, although I knew deep down that my identity was rooted in being a “child of God,” I had been falsely identifying with my career, job title, salary, travel, etc. When I finally stepped away from all of that, I suddenly felt very empty. The child of God façade that I had told myself and others quickly began to crumble.

It was really only during the past few years at seminary that God started to peel away everything that was blinding me from seeing my true identity.  As I come towards the end of my seminary journey, I am beginning to understand finally that my true identity lies with my relationships. My identity was never a task or a vocation. Here is some food for thought as you search for your own identity and calling in life.

Your relationship with God

We are defined by who God says we are, not by the society, job, or social media. 1 John 3 tells us that we are God’s children, therefore our primary identity is to be loved by our Heavenly Father and to develop our relationship with Him. As with any important relationship in our life, we are to love back. One practical way is by understanding and obeying God’s teachings through the studying of the scriptures. How are you showing your love to God this week?

Your relationship with family

Take some time to examine your relationship with your family. What is your role? Are you a wife, husband, sister, brother, child, or parent? In each of our roles, what are your responsibilities and functions? Sometimes our role within our family is simply being willing to love and be loved by them. When was the last time you told them that you appreciated and loved them?

Your relationship with others 

The Bible teaches us to love God and love people. A huge part of our identity lies in how we treat others. As a graduate student, I am always challenged with time. Given the many different types of relationships we have, are you spending enough time and attention on those you care and love? What are some of the ways that you are letting them know that they are in your inner circle?

Finding your calling

As I continued to search for my identity, I began to realize my true calling. I found myself coming alive when I was able to help those around me through the ups and downs of life. Howard Thurman states: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Throughout my search of my identity, I have discovered my calling as a Mental Health Counselor, because I feel alive when I witness my clients’ lives be transformed. What makes you come alive?

Cultivating Gratitude

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"We’re a nation hungry for more joy: Because we’re starving from a lack of gratitude" — Brené Brown

Have you ever had a day where it seems that the world is against you and everything that could possibly go wrong has? If you were to step back and try to assess the day from an objective point of view, would that still be your conclusion? In our human nature, we tend to reflect on the negative, the frustrating, the disappointing. We wonder why we feel grumpy, angry, or irritable and often look for detailed, extravagant, sometimes expensive ways to help ourselves feel better. Yet the antidote to our lack of joy can often be found in the simple practice of gratitude. This practice of gratitude is one that is accessible to all yet rarely used in day-to-day life without intentionality.

Numerous studies have found gratitude to have significant positive impacts on anxiety, depressive symptoms, relationships, and physical health and well being. In their study, Wood et al had participants practice gratitude, which was defined as an orientation "towards noticing and appreciating the positive in the world.” In one portion of the study, they asked participants with high body dissatisfaction to spend each day practicing gratitude. By doing so 76% of the participants experienced a reduction in their body dissatisfaction compared to those who did not practice gratitude. Similarly, when studying those with high anxiety, participants who practiced gratitude were found to have a significant decrease in their worries (Wood, Froh & Geraghty, “Gratitude and Well-Being: A Review and Theoretical Integration,” Clinical Psychology Review). 

Martin Seligman, a professor of psychology, has found similar results in his research as well. In his studies he developed one practice called a "gratitude visit" in which one writes a letter of gratitude to someone who has made a difference in their life and then visits the person and reads the letter to them out loud. In doing so, Seligman found that the person writing the letter had lasting positive feelings and felt happier up to a month after the visit. 

Are there ways you can begin cultivating gratitude in your own life? Perhaps you can try Seligman’s exercise of a "gratitude visit." If this feels too uncomfortable, as an alternative you could consider writing a thank you note to someone you appreciate. Other ideas might be to end the day reflecting on three things to be grateful for, no matter how difficult the day was. Some find ways to break up their day to pause and gratefully reflect, such as "1,2,3,4" where at each hour you stop to identify a moment of gratitude. For those who pray, starting prayer with gratitude first can be a helpful way to reorient to a mindset of thankfulness rather than the frenzy of supplication we often approach prayer with. 

The ultimate goal in cultivating gratitude is for it to become second nature, a natural reflection throughout the day. Realizing that you are grateful for the sunlight even if the weather is cold, that you are thankful your spouse helped with dishes even if it’s not how you would do it, that you had a great hair day even if nobody else saw it. You may find that over time you have retrained your brain to become more aware of positive moments, however seemingly mundane they may be.

(Scriptures that may be helpful to orient towards a reminder of gratitude and thanksgiving: Psalm 100, Psalm 118: 24, Psalm 103:2-5, Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

Self-Care and Worship

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

In a recent team meeting at HCC, we spent a few minutes reflecting on how we’re doing with taking care of ourselves during this season. Like the rest of the world, as therapists our lives are significantly altered due to COVID, and some of the things we take for granted for our sense of well-being can easily slip into oblivion due to so many adjustments and restrictions.

One of my teammates reflected her need to get back to having worship music in her life as a significant means of connecting with God. This struck a deep chord in my heart. Normally, worship through music is a constant part of my life; I participate in the worship at church, I listen to worship music as I make the hour-plus commute to and from work, and I tend to have music on at home when I’m cleaning or cooking and especially when my husband is out of the house at work. I suddenly realized, however, that my life has been sorely missing worship music for nearly an entire year. I no longer drive to work, my husband is ALWAYS home with me, and I don’t turn on music at home often for some reason. Though we continue leading worship on Sundays, it is from our living room since our congregation has continued to meet remotely since March.

I am reminded that worship in song is one of the primary ways Scripture tells us that we connect with the Lord and each other. The psalms especially are filled with reflections on the significance of singing praise to the Lord as an integral part of our relationship with him. Psalm 40 reflects that the Lord himself places song on our lips, and in Psalm 98 we are given a picture of praise for the Lord bursting forth from his children along with all of creation. Revelation reflects on the certainty of singing praise to God being an eternal heart position. Numerous other Scriptures talk about speaking to and encouraging each other through music. I realized that I am sorely missing music as a language of communion with my Savior at the moment.

Part of our team discussion focused on a simple change we can make to improve on the way we are caring for ourselves right now. One take away for me is the determination to reintroduce regular worship opportunities into my week. This will likely require long drives alone in order for me to blast my favorite songs, often on repeat, while I sing along at full voice. I fully expect tears and prayers to be a part of this, so I’ll be sure to bring ample tissues for the outings. I also recognize that having open road is a significant part of the worship-in-my-car experience since I can drive without having to think too much about stops and turns, and people sitting next to me at a red light looking at my gestures and nose blowing, wondering about my mental state. So perhaps night time drives would be best...

Back to Basics

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

We are three weeks into 2021. Take a moment to check in with yourself—how are you doing? How are you feeling? Some of us may be maintaining a sense of hope that 2021 will be better than last year. For others we’re feeling discouraged, anxious, and frustrated with how the past three weeks have been. Perhaps you made goals or resolutions that now feel futile. Maybe the ongoing winter and pandemic is leading to further feelings of isolation, sadness, and worry.

Use this moment to pause, to assess, to reset. What do you need? What can help? 

Part of my training as a Certified Mental Health Integrative Medicine Provider (CMHIMP) is to look at health and healing from a wholistic approach. In sessions, I like to help clients try to reorient around ways to care for themselves in addition to addressing their emotional needs. The mind-body connection is often overlooked when trying to find ways to manage stressors, yet this connection is so crucial. Physical and emotional health are inextricably linked. In turn, if we have a hard time supporting or managing our emotions, sometimes we can reinforce self care from a different approach, by attending to ourselves physically.

Amidst ongoing challenges and stressors, here are three things you can do today to help support yourself physically:

Move Your Body

When was the last time you stood up? Stretched? Went for a walk? Danced around the house? Moving your body can help reduce stress through blood flow and increased oxygen. Movement benefits brain function—the center of our thoughts and emotions—creating new brain cells and synapses. Moving your body doesn’t have to be an elaborate goal or ordeal. It can be standing up every hour to do a few stretches or jumping jacks. It can be something fun like putting on your favorite song and dancing for a few minutes; in fact, dancing has been found to tone the vagal nerve (a cranial nerve that connects the brain to the body), thus helping reduce stress and anxiety. 

Fuel Your Body

Are you giving your body the nutrients it needs, bringing awareness to hunger cues and appetites? For many, pandemic life has disrupted routines even at a basic level such as meals. Can you put more intentionality into fueling your body nutritionally? For example, foods rich in protein are made up of amino acids needed to create neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin which helps us feel good.

Rest Your Body

Lack of proper sleep is widely known to contribute to negative moods and emotions, often increasing irritability and stress. On the flip side, sufficient sleep enhances positive moods and overall wellbeing. In our modern life sleep often becomes the first thing we chip away at in the ever busy endeavor to fit more into a day. The average person needs 7-9 hours of sleep each night in order to get the proper physical, emotional, and mental rest needed—how are you doing with this? Can you adjust your schedule to support yourself in getting enough sleep each night? Small adjustments such as going to bed 30 minutes earlier can make a large difference in improving sleep habits, thus benefiting your body holistically.

Benefits of Expressive Writing (Part 1)

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

Early in my career I was introduced to the therapeutic benefits of journaling and expressive writing. In that program, we set aside a 50 minute window each week to give our residential patients time to journal. These journal entries would often be a generator for discussion topics during individual counseling. Very often, the client unearthed a concern or belief during the journaling exercise that he or she was previously unable to put into words.

I often request that my current clients engage in expressive writing as a part of our regular counseling process. I describe this exercise as allowing the jumbled and vague thoughts and feelings that are sitting in their minds to be filtered through the writing-skills part of their brain in order to sort them out and let them be seen for what they are. The writer ‘gives air to’ or ‘lays out on the table’ beliefs, feelings or fears that they have previously never directly acknowledged. This action alone can be extraordinarily beneficial to relieving emotional distress.

Giving yourself a chunk of uninterrupted time to simply express your thoughts and experiences is a luxury lost to time for most of us. For many generations, keeping a journal was a normal part of life and provided documentation of one’s activities and opinions. In our modern age, journaling has often been set aside for the more flashy and mindless activities of screen-based entertainment. However, once we allow ourselves the time to intentionally express ourselves in writing, we discover its immense power to improve our emotional and even physical states. For example, numerous studies among patients with varying illnesses including depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, asthma and fibromyalgia have found that expressive writing has a direct positive impact on the patients’ symptoms.

If you don’t know where to start with expressively writing your feelings or thoughts, begin with a prompt. Use the prompt to get the ball rolling. For example, begin with the prompt, “If I had no fear whatever, I would . . . “ and then give yourself 30-50 minutes of uninterrupted writing time to dive deep into the process. Another example is “the most painful emotional experience of my life was. . . “ Try to consider how the experience made you feel in the moment, the impact it had on how you see yourself or others, and any lingering impacts it has had on your beliefs or behaviors. Journaling specifically about issues that cause fear, stress and anger can be very therapeutic. If you receive a diagnosis that is fearful, writing about that uncertainty can relieve some of the emotional weight of it. If you have a strained relationship, writing a mock letter to the person with whom you struggle can provide an outlet to express all of the emotions and words you have inside that may not be helpful to express directly to the person.

Expressive writing can be kept in a journal, on a private computer document, or can be ‘writing one-offs’ that are deleted or thrown away immediately after the words are put on paper or screen. There is an additional layer of potential therapeutic benefit to journaling that I will save for another post. For now, be encouraged to start! Begin with something. It doesn’t have to be extensive or profound. vEven a commitment to writing 2-4 times a week at 5-10 minute intervals in order to simply begin expressing your emotions and thoughts is helpful. Give it a try. Perhaps you’ll discover the value of it for yourself.

The Struggle of Love

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now—and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain." — Fred Rogers

Over the years the topic of love is a constant theme in sessions with clients and conversations in my own personal life. Across relationships—innate (such as parents, siblings, family) and 'chosen' (spouses, friends, children, etc.)—we have all faced some sort of hurt or disappointment. Questions arise along the lines of "what does it look like to love someone who has disappointed me?" or "how can I love them if we disagree on so much?" In reflecting on love, I appreciate the above quote by Fred Rogers as it outlines the difficulty that loving another sometimes presents. At times the person we love may bring us pain, disappointment, dismay. Love is choosing to continue in caring amidst the difficulty and remain intentionally present. 

In society and media love is often depicted as a feeling or epiphany. Yet in reality love is a choice—and not a one time choice; it is a daily, persistent choice. In his book Our Father Abraham, Marv Wilson identifies love as "a person’s good word to stick with someone, to make that relationship work; It was not merely a warm sensation" (p. 202). Love is a commitment to caring for another person who is just as imperfect as you are. A commitment that requires hard work when difficulty arises. Love means forgiving when hurtful mistakes are made. It often requires a level of sacrifice to self for the good of the other person and the good of the relationship. 

As you read through this, are certain relationships coming to mind? A recent argument with your spouse? Unresolved tension with your mother? Frustrations with your roommate that you struggle to let go of? Below are some ideas of ways to put love in action amidst difficulty:

Learn to appreciate differences in the other person  

You may not always see eye to eye but is that always a bad thing? Sometimes differences can lead to a better perspective.

Letting go of the little things

Not every frustration needs to lead to a blow out. Is it possible to let go of some of the resentments you may be holding? What might it look like to love the person past the 'little things' that led to the anger? 

Forgiveness

Practicing forgiveness allows us and the other person to try to move forward. It provides a reset to bring ourselves back to the focus of love as a choice.

Apologize 

Back to the notion of self sacrifice in loving another, apologizing can often help create a bridge towards reconnection.

The utmost picture of sacrificial love is what we see in the life and death of Jesus. He loved despite not always receiving love back, providing the ultimate sacrifice of love for the good of us all. May we strive to better understand the struggle of love and remind ourselves that love is a constant choice. 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8)

Take Notice

Written by Beth Waterman, MA (Clinician)

Today, as I was taking my midday walk, I began to think about the changing seasons that I’ve been privy to witness in my neighborhood in a unique way this season. I’d like to think that I’m spontaneous, that I live life on the edge, but the truth is I like consistency. I walk the same route, by the same trees and homes nearly every day. But perhaps there is something beautiful about this now familiar path I walk in hopes of breaking up my day. I notice things. I breathe. I leave my phone behind, and I focus on the present moment. I pray, sometimes. These are the very things I find myself inviting those whom I work with to do: “notice your breath, notice what’s happening in your body, notice what might need your attention right now…” The very prompts I offer, I have been walking out. Admittedly, not even on purpose most days.

But through these urban hikes I’ve noticed the same old trees changing from bare and bald and snow covered, to budding and growing and coming alive, to full and green and vibrant, to deepening hues of yellows and reds, to suddenly crunchy, slippery and piled up under my feet. Today I noticed again that the seasons are changing before us.  And in our lives, at least in my life, I have often packed my days, my seasons, so full, that I barely have time to look around me. I barely even breathe, let alone take a midday walk to notice the trees in their constant state of dressing and undressing.

I think about how God reminds us that he too takes notice - of us, of our process, of this profound time we all are walking through. I love Matthew chapters 6 and 10 which remind us that wildflowers and canaries do not go unnoticed to our loving Father, and neither so do our lives. As confusing, complicated, painful, or needy as they might feel. My hope is that I might keep leaning in to the process of expanding this space and willingness to notice what is around my daily world. And I hope that for you too, that you might be able to step outside for a moment and breathe in the crisp air, stomp through a pile or two of crispy old leaves, and let yourself take notice of the world around you. And for a moment, maybe we all can join the wildflowers and the sparrows in knowing we’re not holding any of it alone.

Why I Make My Bed Every Day

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

When I was a kid, it was hit or miss whether or not I would make my bed. Oftentimes the driving force behind a made bed was my parents' reminding. This was in turn sometimes met with a sarcastic comment, “Why, I’ll just get in it again?!" Into my teenage years, I started to make my bed more often because I liked the aesthetic. While working over the summer cleaning houses, one of my responsibilities was to make the beds and to make them look like a swanky hotel. I liked the look and started to replicate it at home. By time I made it to college, making the bed was essential. Space in my dorm room was all the space I had to study, hang out with people, and grab an occasional meal.

Since then, through the ever-busyness of life, I began to realize how this simple task impacted me. It was more than the aesthetic; it was the sense of feeling unfrazzled, unrushed, and productive. I realized that, in the mornings when I took a few minutes to make my bed, I felt more grounded, more prepared with a sense of determination for the day ahead.  Its a way to signal to myself that the night is over (no matter how tired I may still be!) and that a new day is beginning. It gives me a moment to pause, to create order, to refresh. Sometimes while I make the bed I find myself becoming aware that I’m unconsciously giving myself a little pep talk for the day ahead. Preparing for potential stressors, reminding myself that I can handle things even if they are messy, just as I am tidying up this messy bed.

In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven gave a commencement speech at the University of Texas at Austin which went viral with millions of views. It contained the premise, "If you want to make a difference in the world, start by making your bed." The thrust of his speech: taking small steps and accomplishing small tasks leads to a sense of pride, helping you work towards another task and another and another. In the end, you realize that small habits matter as they support larger habits. Similarly, in his book, The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg notes that making your bed every day becomes a habit that can lead to further positive decisions over the day and a determined sense of taking charge. Over time these habits instill a confidence in taking charge that leads to a stronger skillset in tackling other important habits. 

So, do you make your bed? Can you spare a few minutes to orient yourself with a sense of pride and productivity? 

Now to be clear: this doesn’t necessarily mean that your bed is made perfectly. There are plenty of days mine is thrown together quickly before I'm on to the next thing. Nor is there any magic to this. Just because I make my bed doesn’t mean I am able to successfully accomplish everything in the day ahead. There are days when I make my bed with a real sense of motivation only to have the day end feeling unproductive with many tasks left undone. But on those days I still have an inviting, intentionally made bed to climb into to close out the day and prepare for the next one.

Hope When Circumstances are Bleak

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

Very often in counseling sessions, I hear from clients a form of the sentiment, “I know that God is all powerful, loving and good, but I doubt He is like that with me.”  This is related to experiences that point to feeling forgotten by God, or overlooked by Him, or worse, being punished by Him for not being ‘X’ enough.  Recently in my personal study of the Word, I was looking deeply at the book of Ruth, and the plight of Naomi struck me as echoing what my clients often express.

Faced with the difficult decision to move from Bethlehem with her husband and two sons due to famine, Naomi’s family settled in Moab. During that time, all of her men died, and she only had her two daughters-in-law left. Naomi heard that after 10 years abroad, “the Lord had paid attention to His people’s need and provided food,” so she headed home. It is here we see Naomi’s expressed belief about God’s view of her: “my daughters, my life is much too bitter for you to share, because the Lord’s hand has turned against me.” Again, when Naomi arrived at Bethlehem, she expressed, “Call me Mara, for the Almighty has made me very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty...the Lord has pronounced judgment on me, and the Almighty has afflicted me.”

Despite Naomi’s painful circumstances, the Lord had significant plans for her, which included implications she could not possibly have imagined in her state of grief. We know the happy conclusion to Naomi’s story is not only one of immediate redemption through a grandson who renewed her life and sustained her in her old age, along with a daughter-in-law who loved her and was better “than seven sons,” but also includes being a part of the story of the Redeemer himself. In the beauty of God’s eternal plan, Naomi could not have known during her earthly life the significance of all she went through, but we bear witness to it with the bigger picture in view.

This is a sentiment I try to encourage clients to consider as they are feeling unloved, abandoned, forgotten, or in some way punished by a capricious God. I encourage holding onto the idea that He is never inclined toward us that way, even when it feels like it in the moment. It can feel difficult to trust that God’s love is not fleeting when we have experienced disappointment and pain that seems unrelenting. This is particularly true in the seasons of waiting; not knowing how long the grieving will last, or for what reason something is happening. And especially when, like Naomi, there is one loss piled on top of many others without any obvious way out.

When I meet with a client in this circumstance, I avoid placating sentiments, such as ‘everything happens for a reason,’ because it is not reasonable to ask someone who is suffering to embrace that their suffering is for a greater good. If they come to that conclusion independently, great. However, it can be harmful to impose on a person who feels neglected or unseen by God the idea that He is allowing them to suffer for some larger purpose. Rather, I attempt to enter into their grief with them, hearing their hearts and empathizing with how difficult it is to be a place of not knowing. Offering the sentiment of the father, desperate for the deliverance of his son’s lifelong affliction, whose heart cry was, “I believe! Help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24) is usually pretty close to the heart position of one longing to know the Father’s love for them when they feel alone.

Practices:

1)      Sit with and grieve with those who grieve and who wait for the Lord’s deliverance.

2)      Pray with and for them

3)      Do for them – if they feel alone, invest in friendship with them. If they want a life partner, be the friend who encourages them to experience fullness of life as they prepare themselves to meet that person in the future

4)      When there is a diagnosis or a loss that is excruciating, offer presence more than words, and offer service instead of expectations.

Struggling on Holy Ground

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

"Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’ ‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’  The commander of the Lord’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’  And Joshua did so.” (Joshua 5:13-15) 

Oftentimes we forget that God is in control of our lives and the battles we are facing.  We also can wrongly think that He is always on our side in a disagreement.  Both you and the person on the other side of the disagreement are made in the image of God.  Our pride can keep us from seeing this as we become caught in a vortex of ME ME ME.  Or we just forget.  Or possibly our self-confidence can be low to the point where we can only see the ways in which we don’t stack up in the midst of these moments.  Joshua was surely doubting his ability to lead, and he too turned inward and forgot God’s presence.

In his book The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner illuminates the idea of true self and false self.  For the Christian, the true self is in touch with its humanity and knows its limits and can deeply connect with the Almighty.  The false self is critical of self and others and tries to control and manipulate.  In these false self moments, we must realize that we are out of center and return to our true self in order to hear God more clearly and understand ourselves more fully.  

St. Augustine prayed, "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."  Similarly, John Calvin asserts in his Institutes, "It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself."  As we grow in our understanding of self and live within our true selves more authentically, we can more easily discern God's voice and presence.  We can be freed from illusions and misconceptions and stop striving to be someone we are not or think the world around wants or needs us to be.  When we do this, we come to realize that we can be standing on holy ground in the midst of our deepest struggles.