The New Normal

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

The pandemic has been difficult.  But one of the biggest things that the pandemic has taken from us all is a sense of normal. Normal birthday parties, normal dinners out with loved ones, normal soccer games.  Normal.  

But as we return to normal we have to realize that we will not be fully ourselves either.  Over the course of the last year, we have regressed or adapted to the restrictions or just flat out avoided people using the pandemic as a convenient excuse.  We have been socially conditioned.  We might find ourselves feeling awkward or have heightened anxiety anytime there is a group gathering on our calendars.

Or maybe you’re someone who has some codependent tendencies and are anxious to be around anxious people.  When I say codependent tendencies I mean you might be one that always wonders how you’re being perceived in a group and will ruminate for hours/days on how a social situation went.  So social situations seem like something you’d like to pass on for another year or ten.

Or maybe you’re someone who has used the pandemic to avoid people that seek to control you or overburden you.  And you can see these types of people from a mile away and when you are around them you start to get a knot in your stomach.  Potentially now after the pandemic those people became even more controlling and more overburdening.  I am sure this last year has been better for you getting a year long break from these types of interactions.  

The reality is that life is going to go back to what we remembered as normal. Schools, churches, work places and the like.  So what is next for you in these settings?  Do you just return to those old ways?  As a mental health provider I see this as a unique time in human history to make big strides in your ongoing social anxieties because you’ve had such a big pause in exposure to them.  You might be able to identify people that are just flat out unhealthy for you to be around and might consider not being around them as much.  Or you might be able to draw some boundaries with people that you weren’t able to draw boundaries with before because you’ve had a little distance with them and free from their manipulations.  And for those people that seek to control you or overburden you, you might now for the first time be able to say stop, no more.  

Our society needs friendship.  Our society needs grace in those friendships.  Our society needs positive social interactions that allow people to be “off” and not our best.  Our society needs normal again.  

Good thing Jesus continues to be seated and the right hand of God the Father living in perfect unity, in perfect friendship with the Father and the Holy Spirit.  There is no overburdening of the other going on there.  No guilt tripping going on in the Godhead.  They see the end of this and allowed the beginning of it to happen.  And I believe they want people to start being normal again too.

Mental health starts with realizing your own mental unhealth.  Then you can move to make a change with your therapist and then realize those changes with friends, family and those around you in your community. We all have our weaknesses.  But we don’t all admit those weaknesses.  I am proud you have admitted yours or are starting to admit yours and are ready to make changes.  Maybe you will not just return to normal but to a new normal.  

Our Identity and Calling (Part 2)

Written by Jane Song (Clinical Intern)

Who am I?

Who am I? What defines me? I pondered these questions over and over as I left my high paid job in the fashion industry, a job that took over my life and my identity. I lived with a constant need to respond to the beep of my phone.  Calls from suppliers, vendors, people I reported to, and those who reported to me. I recall those days starting with running around early morning trying to find a taxi, rushing to the train station from Hong Kong to China for an 8-hour meeting, and then rushing back home to get ready for a flight to Rome to meet with my team in Europe. My phone kept on beeping; my to-do list was never-ending. I was never fully present anywhere, as I was always running late somewhere.  I was swept into this lie that if I kept myself busy, I was desired and I was adding value. I lived under an illusion that I was busy fulfilling a purpose, but a purpose that I was never able to attain.

The Burst of my Bubble

As I rode back on the train from Guangzhou, China back to Hong Kong for the last time, leaving my stressful job behind, I felt empty.  All of a sudden, something died inside of me. The phone calls, to-do-lists, and demands all stopped. I had nowhere to be, no one to meet. I no longer had to put on a show to prove myself, to impress someone, to make a sale, or to make any decisions. For the first time in my life, I was confronted with a harsh reality. Who am I really?  What defines me? My career in the fashion industry had overtaken my identity. It suddenly dawned on me that when our vocation defines who we are, we need a correction in life.

The Birth of My Identity

We are never what we do. We are called to be God’s children. Our vocation is birthed from a passion that God deposited into our hearts. When that passion is sparked with the right job, a flame of fire is ignited. Four years after leaving the fashion industry and recently graduating from seminary, I am realizing that my identity is complex yet simple at the same time. I am foremost a child of God, His beloved daughter. I no longer need to prove my worth to the world by doing things. I know I am loved because God gave his one and only son so that I could be with him for eternity. I am also a daughter, a sister, a trusted friend to many who have seen the best and the worst of me. I am loved. Because I am loved, I can love others. The flame of fire ignited in my heart was when I first sat in front of clients, seeing how God moved and healed their lives through my presence. I know I have found my vocational calling - to be a healing agent for Jesus.

Who are you Today?

There might be more than one hat that you are wearing each day. Start your day asking God who He is calling you to be today, and make your best effort to step into the calling that God has for you. Psalm 139 tells us that all of our days were written in a book before we were born. Pray and ask God to help you to make the most of what God has prepared for you today. Our identity will be fortified by our daily choices. When we choose to be joyful, choose to love, choose to give, choose not to give up even though the very fiber of our being screams to give up. Each day, choose to be the best version of ourselves. It will all be worthwhile.

Our Identity and Calling (Part 1)

Written by Jane Song (Clinical Intern)

As someone who made a major career change from the business world to seminary, I have had to ask myself what exactly is my identity and calling? For many years, although I knew deep down that my identity was rooted in being a “child of God,” I had been falsely identifying with my career, job title, salary, travel, etc. When I finally stepped away from all of that, I suddenly felt very empty. The child of God façade that I had told myself and others quickly began to crumble.

It was really only during the past few years at seminary that God started to peel away everything that was blinding me from seeing my true identity.  As I come towards the end of my seminary journey, I am beginning to understand finally that my true identity lies with my relationships. My identity was never a task or a vocation. Here is some food for thought as you search for your own identity and calling in life.

Your relationship with God

We are defined by who God says we are, not by the society, job, or social media. 1 John 3 tells us that we are God’s children, therefore our primary identity is to be loved by our Heavenly Father and to develop our relationship with Him. As with any important relationship in our life, we are to love back. One practical way is by understanding and obeying God’s teachings through the studying of the scriptures. How are you showing your love to God this week?

Your relationship with family

Take some time to examine your relationship with your family. What is your role? Are you a wife, husband, sister, brother, child, or parent? In each of our roles, what are your responsibilities and functions? Sometimes our role within our family is simply being willing to love and be loved by them. When was the last time you told them that you appreciated and loved them?

Your relationship with others 

The Bible teaches us to love God and love people. A huge part of our identity lies in how we treat others. As a graduate student, I am always challenged with time. Given the many different types of relationships we have, are you spending enough time and attention on those you care and love? What are some of the ways that you are letting them know that they are in your inner circle?

Finding your calling

As I continued to search for my identity, I began to realize my true calling. I found myself coming alive when I was able to help those around me through the ups and downs of life. Howard Thurman states: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Throughout my search of my identity, I have discovered my calling as a Mental Health Counselor, because I feel alive when I witness my clients’ lives be transformed. What makes you come alive?

The Struggle of Love

Written by Megan Farcas, LMHC CMHIMP (Clinical Supervisor, Senior Clinician)

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now—and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain." — Fred Rogers

Over the years the topic of love is a constant theme in sessions with clients and conversations in my own personal life. Across relationships—innate (such as parents, siblings, family) and 'chosen' (spouses, friends, children, etc.)—we have all faced some sort of hurt or disappointment. Questions arise along the lines of "what does it look like to love someone who has disappointed me?" or "how can I love them if we disagree on so much?" In reflecting on love, I appreciate the above quote by Fred Rogers as it outlines the difficulty that loving another sometimes presents. At times the person we love may bring us pain, disappointment, dismay. Love is choosing to continue in caring amidst the difficulty and remain intentionally present. 

In society and media love is often depicted as a feeling or epiphany. Yet in reality love is a choice—and not a one time choice; it is a daily, persistent choice. In his book Our Father Abraham, Marv Wilson identifies love as "a person’s good word to stick with someone, to make that relationship work; It was not merely a warm sensation" (p. 202). Love is a commitment to caring for another person who is just as imperfect as you are. A commitment that requires hard work when difficulty arises. Love means forgiving when hurtful mistakes are made. It often requires a level of sacrifice to self for the good of the other person and the good of the relationship. 

As you read through this, are certain relationships coming to mind? A recent argument with your spouse? Unresolved tension with your mother? Frustrations with your roommate that you struggle to let go of? Below are some ideas of ways to put love in action amidst difficulty:

Learn to appreciate differences in the other person  

You may not always see eye to eye but is that always a bad thing? Sometimes differences can lead to a better perspective.

Letting go of the little things

Not every frustration needs to lead to a blow out. Is it possible to let go of some of the resentments you may be holding? What might it look like to love the person past the 'little things' that led to the anger? 

Forgiveness

Practicing forgiveness allows us and the other person to try to move forward. It provides a reset to bring ourselves back to the focus of love as a choice.

Apologize 

Back to the notion of self sacrifice in loving another, apologizing can often help create a bridge towards reconnection.

The utmost picture of sacrificial love is what we see in the life and death of Jesus. He loved despite not always receiving love back, providing the ultimate sacrifice of love for the good of us all. May we strive to better understand the struggle of love and remind ourselves that love is a constant choice. 

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! (Philippians 2:5-8)

The Importance of Friends

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

As a follower of Christ, I don’t know what I would do without my Christian and non-Christian friends alike.  These are people with whom I can share small moments like a kid’s birthday or big moments like the passing of a family member.  I need them in my life to share these moments, but I also need them in my life to point out my weak spots and to pray for me and my family.  

God did not design us to be alone.  The first thing in the Garden that was “not good” was that Adam was by himself.  He was alone.  God remedied that by giving him a companion.  

We need companions.  We need friends.  We need family members.  We need people even if we don’t always think we do.  Now, not all friends and family are helpful, but that will be a topic we cover in a future post.

From our chair in the counseling offices at Harbor, we are always curious to find out what natural supports a client has around them as well as any supports are not helpful.  Who in their life is positive to their mental health?  And who might not be a healthy influence in their life?  We look for people who love them and are willing to support them while at the same time not enabling them in any sinful or maladaptive behavior.  We look for people that are praying for them.

Mark’s account of the life of Jesus gives us an interesting look at what it means to be this kind of friend. Mark 2:3-5 reads:

“And they came, bringing to (Jesus) a paralytic carried by four men.  And when they could not get near him because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him, and when they had made an opening, they let down the bed on which the paralytic lay.  And when Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’”

In this story, the author doesn’t elaborate on the nature of these four friends’ faith.  Maybe they were all good Jews, perhaps they were new converts to this radical Rabbi Jesus, or maybe they were a mix of normal guys from a fishing village.  The text doesn’t explicitly tell us about their faith, but what is made explicit is that these four men cared deeply for the paralytic man.  They knew was that Jesus was performing miracles and their friend needed one.  But they couldn’t get in the door.  So what did these friends do?  The ESV states that they literally ripped the roof off the place.  

What I want to point out in this text is that it does not say that the paralytic man’s faith made him well but rather that Jesus saw the faith of his friends and forgave the man his sins and healed him.

Now sure you exegetes out there are thinking there are other things going on in this text that are important, but for the purposes of this post let’s think of the friends we surround ourselves with and how we serve as a friend to others.  Do we have friends around us that are willing to rip roofs off to get us closer to Jesus?  And are we willing to rip off roofs for our friends to get them closer to Jesus?  Sometimes we can’t just say we will pray for our friends; rather, we need to put some feet to our prayers.  

The ultimate miracle that Jesus performs for the world is that He forgives sin, and this was the ultimate miracle for this man not just that he regained the strength of his legs.  You wonder if Jesus was thinking of Psalm 103:3 when He forgave the man wondering if the religious leaders would remember the rest of the verse or just get hung up on their religiosity?  

You might conclude that you don’t have four good friends like that in your life and the thought of that void reveals a deep sense of loneliness within you.   If so, maybe you can take a step into someone else’s life to be a better friend.  Maybe not a “rip off the roof” friend just yet (we have to work up to that) but someone that is present in someone else’s life, with whom you learn to listen and not just talk about your problems as they talk about their own concerns.  Or maybe you simply say to the friends around you that you’ll be praying for them.  And then, when they need something later, you’ll be able to put more feet to your prayers and become one of their four friends.  And by becoming a friend like this to someone else, maybe you’ll find one of your four friends in your own life.