The New Normal

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

The pandemic has been difficult.  But one of the biggest things that the pandemic has taken from us all is a sense of normal. Normal birthday parties, normal dinners out with loved ones, normal soccer games.  Normal.  

But as we return to normal we have to realize that we will not be fully ourselves either.  Over the course of the last year, we have regressed or adapted to the restrictions or just flat out avoided people using the pandemic as a convenient excuse.  We have been socially conditioned.  We might find ourselves feeling awkward or have heightened anxiety anytime there is a group gathering on our calendars.

Or maybe you’re someone who has some codependent tendencies and are anxious to be around anxious people.  When I say codependent tendencies I mean you might be one that always wonders how you’re being perceived in a group and will ruminate for hours/days on how a social situation went.  So social situations seem like something you’d like to pass on for another year or ten.

Or maybe you’re someone who has used the pandemic to avoid people that seek to control you or overburden you.  And you can see these types of people from a mile away and when you are around them you start to get a knot in your stomach.  Potentially now after the pandemic those people became even more controlling and more overburdening.  I am sure this last year has been better for you getting a year long break from these types of interactions.  

The reality is that life is going to go back to what we remembered as normal. Schools, churches, work places and the like.  So what is next for you in these settings?  Do you just return to those old ways?  As a mental health provider I see this as a unique time in human history to make big strides in your ongoing social anxieties because you’ve had such a big pause in exposure to them.  You might be able to identify people that are just flat out unhealthy for you to be around and might consider not being around them as much.  Or you might be able to draw some boundaries with people that you weren’t able to draw boundaries with before because you’ve had a little distance with them and free from their manipulations.  And for those people that seek to control you or overburden you, you might now for the first time be able to say stop, no more.  

Our society needs friendship.  Our society needs grace in those friendships.  Our society needs positive social interactions that allow people to be “off” and not our best.  Our society needs normal again.  

Good thing Jesus continues to be seated and the right hand of God the Father living in perfect unity, in perfect friendship with the Father and the Holy Spirit.  There is no overburdening of the other going on there.  No guilt tripping going on in the Godhead.  They see the end of this and allowed the beginning of it to happen.  And I believe they want people to start being normal again too.

Mental health starts with realizing your own mental unhealth.  Then you can move to make a change with your therapist and then realize those changes with friends, family and those around you in your community. We all have our weaknesses.  But we don’t all admit those weaknesses.  I am proud you have admitted yours or are starting to admit yours and are ready to make changes.  Maybe you will not just return to normal but to a new normal.  

Our Identity and Calling (Part 2)

Written by Jane Song (Clinical Intern)

Who am I?

Who am I? What defines me? I pondered these questions over and over as I left my high paid job in the fashion industry, a job that took over my life and my identity. I lived with a constant need to respond to the beep of my phone.  Calls from suppliers, vendors, people I reported to, and those who reported to me. I recall those days starting with running around early morning trying to find a taxi, rushing to the train station from Hong Kong to China for an 8-hour meeting, and then rushing back home to get ready for a flight to Rome to meet with my team in Europe. My phone kept on beeping; my to-do list was never-ending. I was never fully present anywhere, as I was always running late somewhere.  I was swept into this lie that if I kept myself busy, I was desired and I was adding value. I lived under an illusion that I was busy fulfilling a purpose, but a purpose that I was never able to attain.

The Burst of my Bubble

As I rode back on the train from Guangzhou, China back to Hong Kong for the last time, leaving my stressful job behind, I felt empty.  All of a sudden, something died inside of me. The phone calls, to-do-lists, and demands all stopped. I had nowhere to be, no one to meet. I no longer had to put on a show to prove myself, to impress someone, to make a sale, or to make any decisions. For the first time in my life, I was confronted with a harsh reality. Who am I really?  What defines me? My career in the fashion industry had overtaken my identity. It suddenly dawned on me that when our vocation defines who we are, we need a correction in life.

The Birth of My Identity

We are never what we do. We are called to be God’s children. Our vocation is birthed from a passion that God deposited into our hearts. When that passion is sparked with the right job, a flame of fire is ignited. Four years after leaving the fashion industry and recently graduating from seminary, I am realizing that my identity is complex yet simple at the same time. I am foremost a child of God, His beloved daughter. I no longer need to prove my worth to the world by doing things. I know I am loved because God gave his one and only son so that I could be with him for eternity. I am also a daughter, a sister, a trusted friend to many who have seen the best and the worst of me. I am loved. Because I am loved, I can love others. The flame of fire ignited in my heart was when I first sat in front of clients, seeing how God moved and healed their lives through my presence. I know I have found my vocational calling - to be a healing agent for Jesus.

Who are you Today?

There might be more than one hat that you are wearing each day. Start your day asking God who He is calling you to be today, and make your best effort to step into the calling that God has for you. Psalm 139 tells us that all of our days were written in a book before we were born. Pray and ask God to help you to make the most of what God has prepared for you today. Our identity will be fortified by our daily choices. When we choose to be joyful, choose to love, choose to give, choose not to give up even though the very fiber of our being screams to give up. Each day, choose to be the best version of ourselves. It will all be worthwhile.

God is Here

Written by Heather Thornburg, MA (Clinician)

“The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:5b-6 ESV (italics added)

I could tell you that I love this verse, but I would be lying.  Mostly, I find this verse confusing – how in the world do I “not be anxious about anything?” Especially right now?  In 2021…that followed 2020?

Life in a fallen, broken world can easily produce anxiety, and this past year has really hit many of us hard.  Almost every single client that I see is experiencing anxiety symptoms to one degree or another.  And in truth, it impacts me as well.  Anxiety symptoms appear in different ways.  Physically, we can have muscle tension, nausea, hot or cold sweats, headaches, shortness of breath or tightness in our chest.  Emotionally, we can become easily irritated, easily startled, tearful, impatient.  Mentally, we can have difficulty focusing, become spacey, or have intrusive or racing thoughts.  This is not an exhaustive list, but whatever symptoms we experience can be difficult to live with.  So, what can we do?

Believe or not, managing anxiety can begin with some relatively simple steps.

1.      Breathe – Seems too simple, right?  But anxiety can cause us to hold our breath or breathe shallowly and rapidly, and this can make our symptoms worse.  Instead, take five minutes to do some deep breathing.  Breathe slowly in through your nose for a count of 4-6, hold your breath for a count of 4-6, then breathe slowly out through your mouth for a count of 6-8.  Repeat.  Deep breathing reverses the anxiety response and signals your brain to begin calming the body (from TherapistAid.com).

2.      Ground – Do you find yourself worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?  If your thoughts have a repeated refrain of “what if…” then you are.  The future hasn’t happened yet; it doesn’t exist.  The present moment is real, and grounding yourself in it will help you step back from the tyranny of your thoughts.  Look around you - what do you see?  What do you hear?  What do you smell, taste, feel?  Take it in slowly and deeply.  Describe your surroundings to yourself; notice your feelings.  Pause, and let yourself be present in the moment.  Breathe a thank you to God for something in your surroundings.  By the time you’ve done all this, the “what ifs” shouting in your brain will have quieted down and given you the space and the strength to choose your next thoughts, to speak the truth about who holds your future.

3.      Prayer – Do you ever get caught in a thought loop about things that worry you?  Racing thoughts or thinking about the same things over and over are frequent responses to anxiety.  These thoughts can also be some of the most difficult anxiety symptoms to address.  When you experience this, immediately turn your thoughts to prayer. Don’t necessarily try to change the content, just begin directing your thoughts to Jesus.  It looks something like this.  I think, “I have this blog to write, and it’s my first one.  What if people don’t like it and think it sounds dumb?  What if my colleagues don’t like it?  Will it be professional enough?  Is my writing up to par?” …and we’re off to the races.  Now switch to prayer.  “Jesus, I have this blog to write and it’s my first one.  God, what if people don’t like it and think it sounds dumb?”  …etc., etc.  In the first example, my thoughts are spinning inside of myself with nowhere to go, and I don’t have the power to do anything about them.  In the second example, I have directed my thoughts up and outside of myself to one who loves me and created me.  To one who has the power to encourage and direct me, and provide some objectivity. 

To return to our verse, yes, Paul tells us “do not be anxious about anything”, but before he does so, he reminds us that “the Lord is at hand.” God, himself, is the reason we have hope to overcome our anxiety. When you feel a tension headache coming on, rest your hand on your chest and remind yourself, “God is here.” When you’re lying in bed and can’t stop thinking, rest your hand on your chest and remind yourself “God is here.” When your irritated and don’t know why, rest your hand on your chest and remind yourself, “God is here.” Whether you feel him or not, God is here!

Our Identity and Calling (Part 1)

Written by Jane Song (Clinical Intern)

As someone who made a major career change from the business world to seminary, I have had to ask myself what exactly is my identity and calling? For many years, although I knew deep down that my identity was rooted in being a “child of God,” I had been falsely identifying with my career, job title, salary, travel, etc. When I finally stepped away from all of that, I suddenly felt very empty. The child of God façade that I had told myself and others quickly began to crumble.

It was really only during the past few years at seminary that God started to peel away everything that was blinding me from seeing my true identity.  As I come towards the end of my seminary journey, I am beginning to understand finally that my true identity lies with my relationships. My identity was never a task or a vocation. Here is some food for thought as you search for your own identity and calling in life.

Your relationship with God

We are defined by who God says we are, not by the society, job, or social media. 1 John 3 tells us that we are God’s children, therefore our primary identity is to be loved by our Heavenly Father and to develop our relationship with Him. As with any important relationship in our life, we are to love back. One practical way is by understanding and obeying God’s teachings through the studying of the scriptures. How are you showing your love to God this week?

Your relationship with family

Take some time to examine your relationship with your family. What is your role? Are you a wife, husband, sister, brother, child, or parent? In each of our roles, what are your responsibilities and functions? Sometimes our role within our family is simply being willing to love and be loved by them. When was the last time you told them that you appreciated and loved them?

Your relationship with others 

The Bible teaches us to love God and love people. A huge part of our identity lies in how we treat others. As a graduate student, I am always challenged with time. Given the many different types of relationships we have, are you spending enough time and attention on those you care and love? What are some of the ways that you are letting them know that they are in your inner circle?

Finding your calling

As I continued to search for my identity, I began to realize my true calling. I found myself coming alive when I was able to help those around me through the ups and downs of life. Howard Thurman states: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Throughout my search of my identity, I have discovered my calling as a Mental Health Counselor, because I feel alive when I witness my clients’ lives be transformed. What makes you come alive?

Self-Care and Worship

Written by Day Marshall, LMHC (Senior Clinician)

In a recent team meeting at HCC, we spent a few minutes reflecting on how we’re doing with taking care of ourselves during this season. Like the rest of the world, as therapists our lives are significantly altered due to COVID, and some of the things we take for granted for our sense of well-being can easily slip into oblivion due to so many adjustments and restrictions.

One of my teammates reflected her need to get back to having worship music in her life as a significant means of connecting with God. This struck a deep chord in my heart. Normally, worship through music is a constant part of my life; I participate in the worship at church, I listen to worship music as I make the hour-plus commute to and from work, and I tend to have music on at home when I’m cleaning or cooking and especially when my husband is out of the house at work. I suddenly realized, however, that my life has been sorely missing worship music for nearly an entire year. I no longer drive to work, my husband is ALWAYS home with me, and I don’t turn on music at home often for some reason. Though we continue leading worship on Sundays, it is from our living room since our congregation has continued to meet remotely since March.

I am reminded that worship in song is one of the primary ways Scripture tells us that we connect with the Lord and each other. The psalms especially are filled with reflections on the significance of singing praise to the Lord as an integral part of our relationship with him. Psalm 40 reflects that the Lord himself places song on our lips, and in Psalm 98 we are given a picture of praise for the Lord bursting forth from his children along with all of creation. Revelation reflects on the certainty of singing praise to God being an eternal heart position. Numerous other Scriptures talk about speaking to and encouraging each other through music. I realized that I am sorely missing music as a language of communion with my Savior at the moment.

Part of our team discussion focused on a simple change we can make to improve on the way we are caring for ourselves right now. One take away for me is the determination to reintroduce regular worship opportunities into my week. This will likely require long drives alone in order for me to blast my favorite songs, often on repeat, while I sing along at full voice. I fully expect tears and prayers to be a part of this, so I’ll be sure to bring ample tissues for the outings. I also recognize that having open road is a significant part of the worship-in-my-car experience since I can drive without having to think too much about stops and turns, and people sitting next to me at a red light looking at my gestures and nose blowing, wondering about my mental state. So perhaps night time drives would be best...

Take Notice

Written by Beth Waterman, MA (Clinician)

Today, as I was taking my midday walk, I began to think about the changing seasons that I’ve been privy to witness in my neighborhood in a unique way this season. I’d like to think that I’m spontaneous, that I live life on the edge, but the truth is I like consistency. I walk the same route, by the same trees and homes nearly every day. But perhaps there is something beautiful about this now familiar path I walk in hopes of breaking up my day. I notice things. I breathe. I leave my phone behind, and I focus on the present moment. I pray, sometimes. These are the very things I find myself inviting those whom I work with to do: “notice your breath, notice what’s happening in your body, notice what might need your attention right now…” The very prompts I offer, I have been walking out. Admittedly, not even on purpose most days.

But through these urban hikes I’ve noticed the same old trees changing from bare and bald and snow covered, to budding and growing and coming alive, to full and green and vibrant, to deepening hues of yellows and reds, to suddenly crunchy, slippery and piled up under my feet. Today I noticed again that the seasons are changing before us.  And in our lives, at least in my life, I have often packed my days, my seasons, so full, that I barely have time to look around me. I barely even breathe, let alone take a midday walk to notice the trees in their constant state of dressing and undressing.

I think about how God reminds us that he too takes notice - of us, of our process, of this profound time we all are walking through. I love Matthew chapters 6 and 10 which remind us that wildflowers and canaries do not go unnoticed to our loving Father, and neither so do our lives. As confusing, complicated, painful, or needy as they might feel. My hope is that I might keep leaning in to the process of expanding this space and willingness to notice what is around my daily world. And I hope that for you too, that you might be able to step outside for a moment and breathe in the crisp air, stomp through a pile or two of crispy old leaves, and let yourself take notice of the world around you. And for a moment, maybe we all can join the wildflowers and the sparrows in knowing we’re not holding any of it alone.

Struggling on Holy Ground

Written by Dan Brown, MA (Director of Operations, Senior Clinician)

"Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’ ‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’  The commander of the Lord’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’  And Joshua did so.” (Joshua 5:13-15) 

Oftentimes we forget that God is in control of our lives and the battles we are facing.  We also can wrongly think that He is always on our side in a disagreement.  Both you and the person on the other side of the disagreement are made in the image of God.  Our pride can keep us from seeing this as we become caught in a vortex of ME ME ME.  Or we just forget.  Or possibly our self-confidence can be low to the point where we can only see the ways in which we don’t stack up in the midst of these moments.  Joshua was surely doubting his ability to lead, and he too turned inward and forgot God’s presence.

In his book The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner illuminates the idea of true self and false self.  For the Christian, the true self is in touch with its humanity and knows its limits and can deeply connect with the Almighty.  The false self is critical of self and others and tries to control and manipulate.  In these false self moments, we must realize that we are out of center and return to our true self in order to hear God more clearly and understand ourselves more fully.  

St. Augustine prayed, "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee."  Similarly, John Calvin asserts in his Institutes, "It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has previously contemplated the face of God, and come down after such contemplation to look into himself."  As we grow in our understanding of self and live within our true selves more authentically, we can more easily discern God's voice and presence.  We can be freed from illusions and misconceptions and stop striving to be someone we are not or think the world around wants or needs us to be.  When we do this, we come to realize that we can be standing on holy ground in the midst of our deepest struggles.